The good news this week is that our Top Six designers are not meeting Alyssa on the runway with the Television of PreTaped Appearance by her side. No, they are outdoors, and they meet Alyssa with…. two Helicopters of Certain Death by her side? No, they are The Helicopters to Take the Designers to be Told Their Challenge By Someone Else! (Someone else who is paying for the privilege.) They are set down at QVC headquarters. I didn’t know Wall Sponsoring now included having to give helicopter rides.
Someone else turns out to be named Lisa Robertson. She is not anyone from marketing, or an SVP, but just a regular QVC host you’re never heard of. It turns out this challenge is…not a TV challenge. It’s not making a salable gown and doing the math about producing it to turn a profit. No, this is a Red Carpet Challenge.
What?! Yes, apparently QVC mistake themselves for somehow being tied to the Oscars. They pretend that having an endless sale of cheap knock offs of what the stars wear around the time the stars wear it means they are relevant to the event itself. The gown the designers make will be worn by… No, not an actual star who has anything to do with the Oscars, but instead by this overweening self preening host who keeps cocking her head oddly in affectation. Honey, if you think it’s helping to hide your cheap plastic surgery, it’s not. This is nowhere near in league with designing for Heidi, even though the designers obediently ooh and ahh like it could be. Then “a version” of the dress they make for her will be hawked on QVC. Robertson takes them on a tour of the blandly inoffensive sets and gives them some basic media training to present their work when one of them wins.
They end up sketching on the set that PR:AS judge Isaac Mizrahi hawks his wares on. (It’s not like there’s anywhere else to actually work.) Surprise, surprise! Mr. Mizrahi shows up and gives them precious little useful advice. I think he just wanted to make sure they weren’t going to pilfer anything.
The next day we’re back in New York and shopping at Mood. The designers get $300 budget, and once again, only 10 hours. They accept this as par for the course, while I wonder if Lifetime will ever bother spring for a two day challenge budget. Only having ten hours means some of the designers go back to what they know (Christopher is feathering!) while others are trying to do what they don’t know and failing. (Hello, Elena meltdown!) Viktor decided this is the time to burden her and Seth Aaron with his HIV problems. Ok, Look. Not that I’m not sympathetic. Being infected with an incurable plague is incredibly traumatic. But really, could you have chosen a better challenge week, when everyone isn’t attempting to create couture in a day? I’m just saying the timing could have been better. At least it pulls Elena’s head out of her hysterics. Seth Aaron is properly emotional about it too. Good thing, as Korto points out, he only has to make three dresses this week instead of that entire line of Margewear he did last episode.
Let’s get back to this week’s episode, already in progress. Hey, there’s Zanna! She says if she sees one strapless jeweltone in the room, there will be
BLOOD, er, trouble.
- Christopher: Hey look, a strapless jeweltone! ZRR looks incredulous. He claims there will be leather straps on the shoulders for edge, or some nonsense.
- Viktor: Hey look, a strapless jeweltone! ZRR points out the green color is hideous and informs him no one buys green.
- Seth Aaron: Hey look a…black dress with obvious zippers. That was unexpected. She says “stick a train on it?” He says that train left already.
- Elena: She whines it’s not looking the way she envisioned. ZRR says “Yes, but the idea is genius.” So that makes the fact that it’s not working ok?
- Irina: Hey look, a strapless…bridal gown. ZRR says she has to remove it from the wedding world.
- Korto: This dress is OMG Orange. ZRR calls the texturing cheap and clearly is writing her off as gone by tomorrow.
ZRR is not pleased. She says all of them could go home because nothing here is unique. That’s ok, they’re selling on QVC. Unique need not apply. Strapless jeweltones for all! The moddles come and go. Dresses rip, dresses are too small, dress are then pinned together and put in front of a photographer to see how they look on celluloid. Viktor panics that you see every pucker. Korto starts editing furiously when she sees ZRR was right, her dress looks cheap.
Day of runway, and Korto is in a panic. So is everyone, really. Elena is praying over zippers. Viktor is still pucker city, even though he did put shouldering strap faux sleeves on it. Christopher still have no sleeves on his, because Fuck You ZRR. Irina’s dress continues to rip, which I assume is why she hasn’t handed the girl her wedding bouquet yet.
Let us see what is hooray and what is boo.