The Billboard Music Awards–Music’s Most Mediocre Night, went down in Los Angeles, most as one would expect it to. Britney Spears opened the show, reminding everyone she’s no longer the dancer she was and she never sang anyway. (At least she looked like she was somewhat enjoying the proceedings, which is a huge step up from a few years back.) Madonna butchered a bunch of Prince songs, and those who depend on the industry to continue to like them said it was good. Everyone else looked horrified. Kesha, newly freed and shorn of her dollar sign, did a Bob Dylan song so that those watching at home could discover that she’s been a good singer all along.
The red carpet wasn’t much better in terms of mediocrity. Very few wore anything by designers, and even less admitted to it. It wasn’t trashy like an MTV affair, but it wasn’t dressy like the Grammys. It was just middling. Some middles were higher than others though. Let us rank.
Kelly Rowland. She was a tad overdressed, and one of the few who copped to it being a designer dress without actually saying who. Still, in the school of half-naked Beyoncé gowns, this was a chandelier.
The more Laverne Cox experiments with different dress styles, the happier I am.
Zendaya, repping for Fashion Icon Poster Girl.
This is mostly for Kristen Bell on the left, in one of the better jumpsuits I’ve seen this year, and Mila Kunis on the right, who looks like you could pick her up and use her to ring for tea. Kathryn Haan int he middle is wearing four different dresses and forgot to do hair and makeup, so she’s just there by default.
Kate Beckensdale, feeling like an A-Lister in comparison to the rest of the carpet. (It’s the only time she gets to feel that way guys, so let’s give it to her.)
JoJo gets to be Top Ten because she’s HERE, and she’s not wearing something unfortunate.
I want to love this Ciara….but that seam. I CAN’T UNSEE IT.
Demi Lovato continues her trajectory directly into Demi Mooredom. Bruce Willis would approve.
Aww, Laura Marano looks like a random Art Deco Applique came to life and skipped down the red carpet in Disney’s latest surreal cartoon.
Z La La? No, Oo, La Laa.
Current Miss America and Professional Clothes Wearer Betty Cantrell doing her job. (Our current Miss America is named Betty? Is it 1916 or 2016?)
Keltie Knight Looking Kute.
This really pretty gown is marred by it being worn by a Kasem trying to kash in on the late Kasey’s good name.
Professional clothes wearer Rebecca Romijn, putting women who are half her age (and some a third of her age!) to shame.
Professional clothes wearer Priyanka Chopra, looking like she’s wondering where her publicist sent her this time.
At a music awards event, best dressed goes to a football payer. Enough said for The Men.
Singer Shawn Mendes really wants everyone at home to take him seriously as an artist.
Not-Actually-A-Singer Trevor Moran already takes himself seriously as an artist, and does not need you to agree.
Pete Wentz knows better than to hope anyone takes him seriously, period.
Ashton was hoping to get out of this, but Mila booked a sitter and gave him that look when he suggested he could stay home too.
We’ve secretly replace the real Steven Tyler with a Steven Tyler impersonator made of monochrome skittles. Let’s see if anyone notices.
This is a group called “DNCE.” They are only interesting because they have Joe Jonas in them, which suggests he liked being in a band, just not one with people he is related too.
Nick Jonas is dressed like he’s inwardly sad that Joe no longer wants to be in a band with people who are related to him.
Speaking of groups, who knew after three seasons of X-Factor US that Fifth Harmony would be the ones to win custody of the career?
Jessica Alba is dressed like she plans to stand near enough to them that she gets mistaken for the sixth member. I mean, there’s nothing about them that says there are only five right?
Meredith Mickelson’s jumpsuit has great upholstery fabric, but the top is three sizes too big.
Who allows Meghan Trainor to leave the house looking like this on a regular basis, and why do they still have a job?
Rihanna so doesn’t care about this event, she wore a too small rain slicker and soccer mom hair.
In the realm of half-naked Beyoncé dresses, Sibley Scoles’ just screams “cheap knock off.”
Ariana Grande didn’t let Frankie come to the red carpet to embarrass her. She already had a dress that would do the job nicely.
Non professional clothes wearer Halsey is at least in something really interesting when it’s not being utterly unfortunate.
I know Kesha. it’s you comeback and you’ll wear what you want top, and Prince just died and all that, but really–no.
Ladies, if the design on your dress makes it look like you have unfortunate sweat stains? Wear something else.
Heidi Klum, wearing a failed design from Project Runway Jr.
There’s wearing something comfortable, and then there’s Heather Russell, wearing her PJs to the red carpet.
There’s always one starlet that comes to these things 90% naked. This time that honor went to Tove Lo, who you would think would be higher up on the food chain than to feel the need to wear something that looks akin to the net bag my oranges come in.
ETA: I forgot Brit Brit. I know. How? and yet.
And for the record, she looks pretty standard issue at this point, and a little bit like she’d rather be getting back in that limo and hitting in and Out burger on her way back to her couch,